A Work in Progress

Man oh man, has God been working on me lately! I feel like there are so many things that God is telling me and trying to change within me that it can feel overwhelming. The biggest challenge lately is simply to have faith in Him. Do I have faith? Of course I do! But do I still worry? Yep. And I know that He wants me to worry about nothing and give everything to Him. Anxiety has been a lifelong struggle for me but God has freed me of so many little worries over the years. But what about the big stuff? Things like losing a close loved one or the thought of me passing and leaving my children motherless. I know I should have complete faith in the the Lord's plan but those things still terrify me. And I feel guilty even admitting my anxieties because a "good" Christ-follower shouldn't have here fears, right??

Ultimately, I felt these same fears after having A and experiencing several weeks of complications. The Lord healed me but also blessed us with another child which we weren't sure we would ever have, especially in the early days after A was born. But I face some of the same challenges and risks again, plus a few new ones. Stastistics are on my side that all will be well. And I trust my doctor. But I am still anxious. I realize that everything is ultimately in God's control, though. I have prayed many nights about everything with this baby and I generally feel like all will be well...but then that fear creeps in. So I pray some more. The big prayer I have been praying recently is just to hear God's voice over the enemy's. I feel confident, calm and assured that all is well and will be well when I focus on God's voice. Then, the enemy creeps in, exposing my vulnerabilities and bringing in his friends, doubts and fear.

God reassured me in a big way recently during my daily devotion. I have been reading Jesus Calling and love it. While praying for several days about my guilt regarding my fears, God gave me this devotion:

Yes God, I hear you. What is God working on within you?

For Every Season

It is currently a strange time in my world. It is, in general, a blissful time for our family. Sure life is incredibly hectic and there aren't enough hours in the day. But it is magical to watch a toddler discovering the world and getting so excited about all of its details. Life really is about the simple things right now. And knowing that we'll soon start all over with little Allison is very exciting. I am definitely trying to soak it all in, expecting that this will be my last pregnancy and knowing that we will never experience this exact phase of our lives again.

Still, it seems like everyone around me is not in such a blissful time. There is currently so much disease and loss everywhere. My heart breaks for all of my friends and acquaintances who are struggling right now. Yet, I remind myself that many of them were experiencing smooth sailing when I have been pushing through hard times. And there is no promise that tomorrow will be easy for any of us, so I should soak up today and enjoy it. But why do I feel guilty? I'm just praying hard for those around me and trying to focus on enjoying today in my own life.

Allison

My husband and I have been watching The Bible miniseries on The History Channel this past couple weeks. We have really enjoyed it, as we re-visit Old Testament stories which we had forgotten and learn a few that we didn't know as well. It is so incredible to see God speaking so specifically to His people! I'm always even more amazed as I see Him working in my life, even though many of the ways I feel He speaks to me are far less profound. One of those little ways has been on my mind this week.

A few months back, I was not content with the baby carrier I had been using for Andrew. I researched and researched and decided to sell the one we had to fund a different one. There were two which I thought would work well for us, given my frame and his size. And both had great reviews for young babies too, which was a bonus. I looked for several weeks for a used carrier but didn't have any luck as they were still very pricey, even used. Finally, I settled out on a new one which I loved. A few weeks after that, I was poking around in our local kid consignment store and found the other carrier I had looked at. And it was only $30! (These carriers are $125 new so this was a steal!!) Even better yet, it was a pretty, neutral print. Though I certainly didn't need it, I wanted it as it had the best reviews by far for newborns. But I wasn't even pregnant so it seemed crazy to consider purchasing it, right? I had complications after having Andrew and we were very unsure of whether we would get any more babies in the few months after he was born. But thankfully, I was healed and we planned to have at least one more baby. I contemplated the carrier a bit and really felt like I should just buy it, so I did. I figured that I could easily get my money back out of it if I changed my mind as the going price for a used one was roughly twice what I paid. After getting the carrier home, I looked up the print and was taken aback - the print name was "Allison".  Allison was the name we had chosen if Andrew was a girl and it has been my girl name of choice for many years. My husband was sweet and quickly agreed to it during my first pregnancy as I loved the name so much. As I looked at the carrier and the name, I really felt that it was a promise from God - that He would send me another baby to love, even if it wasn't an "Allison" and was a boy instead. A couple months later, I found out I was pregnant. And this week, we found out that we'll be welcoming our sweet little Allison this summer. I am still in shock, honestly. Apparently my feeling regarding God's promise was much more literal than I thought!

So I'm obviously the crazy girl who feels like God gives her promises through used baby gear but I am okay with that. I am just feeling incredibly blessed that He speaks to me at all and has given me all that He has. Has God spoken to you? What messages or reassurances has He given you, big or small?

Newness

It has been a LONG time since I have posted...too long. Between work and the holidays, life got a bit too crazy but I have missed this outlet. Oddly, I have written several posts but wasn't sure about actually publishing them so I have been sitting on them . I have not liked the blog name for a while either but didn't have the patience to think of one I liked better when I started writing. Anyway, I have re-named my blog (as you know if you are able to read this :-) ). I still plan on writing about creating a healthier home but I want to broaden my posts a bit, too. Hopefully you guys won't mind.

I have been a Christian most of my life and feel strongly that the Lord directs my life. Lately, He has really been working on me in some new ways. I'm not sure what He wants me to do exactly but I feel that He is asking me to share more of my past and who I am.

Additionally, I may just post on some fun stuff too. So, that is my randomness for the day. Happy Sunday, all! :-)

Resilience

What is it inside of us that makes us flexible within our circumstances? Why are some people high achievers who thrive despite many obstacles, while others merely survive? I have really been pondering this recently. There are a number of things which have made me think about this. Further, why do some people retreat and wither away? I am convinced that there must be more to us than being victims of our own circumstance. 100 years ago, heartaches were much more numerous and people were expected to just move on. By all accounts, it seems like Americans were much more resilient in prior eras, as are other cultures' people today. So why have we become weak? I, personally, have endured numerous challenges in my life which were barriers to success but I have pushed on. "What other choice does one have?", I have always asked myself. From a far less-than-idyllic childhood to weathering the heartache of divorce from a cheating husband, I have learned time and again - life is hard. The older I get, the more I learn about others' pasts and there are a lot of people with very real pain, from both past and present issues. Suffice it to say, most people have at least something which still haunts them many days. Maybe their mother beat them or an uncle molested them. Or they were raised by a parent who regularly did drugs or abused alcohol. Maybe they had wilder younger years and birthed a child they couldn't care for, so they placed them up for adoption. Or they "simply" had an abortion. Or they may have tried desparately for years to have a baby, without success. Maybe they've had to endure the heartache of burying a spouse or child. I personally know people who have lived through each of these grueling scenarios. But most of the people I know dust themselves off and get back to life. Are they ever the same people after experiencing these huge knocks? No, I tend to think that they aren't. But they don't throw in the towel, either. These are largely college-educated professionals who are raising children of their own today. So why can't some people seem to continue getting up? Personally, I credit my faith in God for my ability to continue to get up when I know I didn't have the strength. The Lord really does carry us through some eras in our lives, I am convinced. But what about the Aethists of the world? How do they continue to live and even thrive? What other qualities deep inside push people to bounce back? These are all questions I have really been pondering recently. I also cannot help but wonder who is quietly hurting right in front of me. God has really placed this on my heart. I've heard it said before that we should all be kinder than necessary because you never really know what others are facing. I suppose this is ultimately the lesson I take away as well. That, and to not be a slave to the bad decision or circumstance of yesterday but to get up, dust myself off and pray for the strength to always face tomorrow. What or who do you credit for your own personal strength? What do you think drives people?