Next week should be an exciting week for our house - we will find out the sex of Bean 2.0! As many of you know, we did not find out the sex with our first child so this is a whole new experience. The anticipation is building...will this baby be another boy or a girl? We shall see!
The comments and assumptions of society re: gender have been a bit surprising to me. One, that we automatically want a girl. (Honestly, we would love to have a daughter so that we could experience parenting both sexes but I know many parents who prefer one sex over the other or simply have no preference at all.) Two, if you have a boy, at least he can be close to A. Huh? My husband and his sister, who is one year older than him, were very close growing up. Likewise, I know many sets of siblings who are close in age but not close at all, even if both are the same sex. I tend to think that closeness is dictated by personality versus gender. Three, if you have a girl, she will be super-girly and decked out in pink all the time. Honestly, I hope not. I can't imagine encouraging a daughter that she is a "princess" and should only wear pink. But again, I tend to think that kids are who they are. Just today, I watched A run around outside wearing his bike helmet like it was a fashion statement. I would never encourage that one but hey, safety first, right??
Friday, March 8, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Mama
I miss my mom. Intensely, at times. I am sad for myself and I am even sadder for her. It feels like everywhere I turn, there are reminders of the emptiness I feel where she should be. Motherhood has made me miss her more than I ever could have imagined. Honestly, losing her and watching her struggle when I was young was hard but I feel like I was somehow stronger then. Maybe I was naive (I think I somehow always thought she'd come back) or maybe I was just more resilient then? Mostly, I think that I just assumed that I would push through a couple rough years and leave everything behind. For the most part, that is exactly what I have done (at least to the outside world). It just seems simpler as I don't think anyone really understands anyway. And I feel incredibly selfish when I try to explain it. I mean, how do you say, yes, I'm nearly 34 years old and I feel like there is no one to really take care of me? Crazy, right? God has blessed me with an incredible husband, a sweet little boy and some amazing friends. But no one is quite like your mama, and I still feel that void all too intensely at times. So that's my dirty little secret. I may act like I'd have it together (and some days I do), but underneath it all is the same young girl who stood at the window, praying and pleading it's God to see her mother again. I know I will someday, but the days in between are tough.
I vividly recall coming to the realization that she was gone when I was 13. I have been blessed to see glimpses of her on a handful of occasions since then. But the mom who took care of me when I was little, who played with me and comforted me, is gone. Even with this internal realization, it feels so strange and awkward to explain my situation, so I don't. My closest friends know the gist of it but I don't really talk about how deeply it still hurts. Truthfully, I feel so ashamed of all of the hurt, as it just sounds so selfish anytime I try to verbalize it. And the foreign looks people give me just make me feel even worse. Plus, I have had too many people say, "well, she didn't actually die, so..." And then I feel even worse. She is still alive, even if she is like a completely different person, trapped in a body that looks like her. I realize that many people just don't know what to say but I feel like others just don't get it. I know my dad feels similarly, but I really don't know about the rest of our familyas no one ever talks much about it. My siblings break my heart, as they only know Mom as she is now, and remember me as a mother figure in their younger years. So, I again feel like an island. To be fair, this is one of those situations in life where I don't think there is anything to say. Sometimes, people have pain and problems for which there are no words or solutions. You just pray and give it to God, which I have done thousands of times over the past 23 years. Still, it always seems to come back at points when I least expect it.
I have read Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman, numerous times over the past few years. I would highly recommend the book to any woman, young or old, who has lost their mother in any manner. I have a copy of Motherless Mothers (also by Hope Edelman) on the way. I'm hopeful it will bring a sense of peace over the rawness that I am feeling right now. In Motherless Daughters, the author writes about her experience of losing her mother to cancer at age 14. She talks about many of the emotions I felt too, including not really understanding the depth of her loss at that time. The author interviewed nearly 200 other women who had also lost their mothers in various ways, many of whom I could relate to as their mothers didnt actually die. After conducting all of these interviews and from her own life experience, she had several conclusions: One, that certain life events (for me, late high school/dances, weddings/marriage and children) will be tough. As she highlights, these are all events in which mothers are typically an integral part and the emptiness of them not being there can be really hard. Next, she points out that we all have a natural tendency to experience anxiety about our own mortality as we approach the age our mother was when she left them (either due to death, physically leaving, etc).
Anyway, I am not sure what the point of this post was. Catharsis, I suppose? I'm not even sure if I will publish it. I haven't decided yet. If you are reading this, thank you for listening. Please know that
yes, I am fine. And I don't feel like I really need anything, less prayers for continued healing. This is just an ongoing struggle for me, which I rarely address to anyone due to all of the emotions that are wrapped up in the situation.
Explanation: if you are reading this and are wondering, my mother was in a car accident when I was 10. It was a normal day of work and school for everyone. She was coming home from work and the car she was riding in was in a bad highway collision. One of her close friends was sitting next to her and died, while my mother was ejected from the vehicle which was traveling at approximately 60 mph. As one would expect, she suffered devastating injuries including nearly 30 broken bones/crushed bones and a traumatic brain injury. She spent nearly four months in the hospital and was in outpatient therapy for over two years. She had to re-learn to do just about everything in her life, including eating, walking, using the restroom, etc. To see her today, she truly is a miracle. But with traumatic brain injury (TBI), many things are changed. For her, she is a very different personality and nearly all of her "warmth" is gone. Don't get me wrong, I still love my mother and greatly admire her strength and how far she has come. But the TBI left her completely different than she was before her accident. On top of that, the affects of these injuries on the families are incredible. Divorce rates for TBI survivors are near 100%, costs of therapies and rehabilitation are incredibly high and many of the patients never regain full independence and need daily care. When this happened, I was 10, my sister was 2 and my brother was 2 months old, which meant that my family role changed pretty drastically as well.
I vividly recall coming to the realization that she was gone when I was 13. I have been blessed to see glimpses of her on a handful of occasions since then. But the mom who took care of me when I was little, who played with me and comforted me, is gone. Even with this internal realization, it feels so strange and awkward to explain my situation, so I don't. My closest friends know the gist of it but I don't really talk about how deeply it still hurts. Truthfully, I feel so ashamed of all of the hurt, as it just sounds so selfish anytime I try to verbalize it. And the foreign looks people give me just make me feel even worse. Plus, I have had too many people say, "well, she didn't actually die, so..." And then I feel even worse. She is still alive, even if she is like a completely different person, trapped in a body that looks like her. I realize that many people just don't know what to say but I feel like others just don't get it. I know my dad feels similarly, but I really don't know about the rest of our familyas no one ever talks much about it. My siblings break my heart, as they only know Mom as she is now, and remember me as a mother figure in their younger years. So, I again feel like an island. To be fair, this is one of those situations in life where I don't think there is anything to say. Sometimes, people have pain and problems for which there are no words or solutions. You just pray and give it to God, which I have done thousands of times over the past 23 years. Still, it always seems to come back at points when I least expect it.
I have read Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman, numerous times over the past few years. I would highly recommend the book to any woman, young or old, who has lost their mother in any manner. I have a copy of Motherless Mothers (also by Hope Edelman) on the way. I'm hopeful it will bring a sense of peace over the rawness that I am feeling right now. In Motherless Daughters, the author writes about her experience of losing her mother to cancer at age 14. She talks about many of the emotions I felt too, including not really understanding the depth of her loss at that time. The author interviewed nearly 200 other women who had also lost their mothers in various ways, many of whom I could relate to as their mothers didnt actually die. After conducting all of these interviews and from her own life experience, she had several conclusions: One, that certain life events (for me, late high school/dances, weddings/marriage and children) will be tough. As she highlights, these are all events in which mothers are typically an integral part and the emptiness of them not being there can be really hard. Next, she points out that we all have a natural tendency to experience anxiety about our own mortality as we approach the age our mother was when she left them (either due to death, physically leaving, etc).
Anyway, I am not sure what the point of this post was. Catharsis, I suppose? I'm not even sure if I will publish it. I haven't decided yet. If you are reading this, thank you for listening. Please know that
yes, I am fine. And I don't feel like I really need anything, less prayers for continued healing. This is just an ongoing struggle for me, which I rarely address to anyone due to all of the emotions that are wrapped up in the situation.
Explanation: if you are reading this and are wondering, my mother was in a car accident when I was 10. It was a normal day of work and school for everyone. She was coming home from work and the car she was riding in was in a bad highway collision. One of her close friends was sitting next to her and died, while my mother was ejected from the vehicle which was traveling at approximately 60 mph. As one would expect, she suffered devastating injuries including nearly 30 broken bones/crushed bones and a traumatic brain injury. She spent nearly four months in the hospital and was in outpatient therapy for over two years. She had to re-learn to do just about everything in her life, including eating, walking, using the restroom, etc. To see her today, she truly is a miracle. But with traumatic brain injury (TBI), many things are changed. For her, she is a very different personality and nearly all of her "warmth" is gone. Don't get me wrong, I still love my mother and greatly admire her strength and how far she has come. But the TBI left her completely different than she was before her accident. On top of that, the affects of these injuries on the families are incredible. Divorce rates for TBI survivors are near 100%, costs of therapies and rehabilitation are incredibly high and many of the patients never regain full independence and need daily care. When this happened, I was 10, my sister was 2 and my brother was 2 months old, which meant that my family role changed pretty drastically as well.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Dishes
Have you ever thought about the safety of your dishes? I hadn't until relatively recently. I stumbled upon something mentioning lead content in many dishes. Lead poisoning seems to be more common than I ever would have thought since I have heard of several friends and acquaintances who have discovered that their children have high amounts of lead in their systems. We didn't have A tested since our Pediatrician didn't think it was necessary given the newness of our home and the places he spends most of his time. But lead in dishes? That seems scary since it leaches into our food and is very indigestible.
After investigating the subject a bit, I found that the government spot checks dishes and that most are okay. But there have been problems with a few manufactures, including Pfaltzgraff, the brand of our dishes. In particular, there had been problems with Pfaltzgraff's products since they moved production to China about 10 years ago. Yikes! Our dishes were made in China. This was enough for me to want them out of my home. I quickly found that several major companies were considered to be universally safe, which included Fiestaware, Denby and Corelle. Stoneware and traditional pottery dishes are considered to be the most risky, as lead is commonly used in the glazes on them but Denby and Fiestaware do not use lead at all. Some of the older Fiestaware did contain lead, though. Corelle is made from Vitrelle glass, so it is also lead-free (Corelle does make a stoneware line, which I did not research so I have no idea if lead is used in its manufacturing). Now, at this point, my husband wanted to kill me as he subscribes to the ignorance is bliss theory...can't we just assume our dishes are fine? No, honey. Fortunately, I saved my old college dishes which were basic Corelle. They are ugly but I would much rather use a product that is safe for my family than one that is pretty. Corelle is also much cheaper to replace if it gets broken and it is lighter weight. All in all, probably a much better choice for a family with young kids.
Speaking of kids, I will not give anything breakable to A yet since he is still prone to throwing things at any moment, for any reason. It's okay, he'll usually say "uh oh" before he throws it. (Obviously it is really accidental.) He has been digging eating his food off of dishes as of late, though. I was dubious of many of the kid plates and bowls I found locally. I won't use melamine dishes at all and I really wanted ones free of BPA and phthalates. I couldn't find anything that met my criteria that wasn't breakable. But alas, Ikea makes children's tableware that fit the bill. We have been using the tableware for a few weeks and I really like it. The pieces are dishwasher safe (upper and lower racks) and microwave safe too. I won't put plastic in the microwave, personally, but it is handy to know that it is okay if one wants to do so. Plus, all of the pieces are bright, fun colors and they are a great size for little portions. As a bonus, they were very economical. I would highly recommend them if you are in the market for toddler dinnerware.
After investigating the subject a bit, I found that the government spot checks dishes and that most are okay. But there have been problems with a few manufactures, including Pfaltzgraff, the brand of our dishes. In particular, there had been problems with Pfaltzgraff's products since they moved production to China about 10 years ago. Yikes! Our dishes were made in China. This was enough for me to want them out of my home. I quickly found that several major companies were considered to be universally safe, which included Fiestaware, Denby and Corelle. Stoneware and traditional pottery dishes are considered to be the most risky, as lead is commonly used in the glazes on them but Denby and Fiestaware do not use lead at all. Some of the older Fiestaware did contain lead, though. Corelle is made from Vitrelle glass, so it is also lead-free (Corelle does make a stoneware line, which I did not research so I have no idea if lead is used in its manufacturing). Now, at this point, my husband wanted to kill me as he subscribes to the ignorance is bliss theory...can't we just assume our dishes are fine? No, honey. Fortunately, I saved my old college dishes which were basic Corelle. They are ugly but I would much rather use a product that is safe for my family than one that is pretty. Corelle is also much cheaper to replace if it gets broken and it is lighter weight. All in all, probably a much better choice for a family with young kids.
Speaking of kids, I will not give anything breakable to A yet since he is still prone to throwing things at any moment, for any reason. It's okay, he'll usually say "uh oh" before he throws it. (Obviously it is really accidental.) He has been digging eating his food off of dishes as of late, though. I was dubious of many of the kid plates and bowls I found locally. I won't use melamine dishes at all and I really wanted ones free of BPA and phthalates. I couldn't find anything that met my criteria that wasn't breakable. But alas, Ikea makes children's tableware that fit the bill. We have been using the tableware for a few weeks and I really like it. The pieces are dishwasher safe (upper and lower racks) and microwave safe too. I won't put plastic in the microwave, personally, but it is handy to know that it is okay if one wants to do so. Plus, all of the pieces are bright, fun colors and they are a great size for little portions. As a bonus, they were very economical. I would highly recommend them if you are in the market for toddler dinnerware.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Newness
It has been a LONG time since I have posted...too long. Between work and the holidays, life got a bit too crazy but I have missed this outlet. Oddly, I have written several posts but wasn't sure about actually publishing them so I have been sitting on them . I have not liked the blog name for a while either but didn't have the patience to think of one I liked better when I started writing. Anyway, I have re-named my blog (as you know if you are able to read this :-) ). I still plan on writing about creating a healthier home but I want to broaden my posts a bit, too. Hopefully you guys won't mind.
I have been a Christian most of my life and feel strongly that the Lord directs my life. Lately, He has really been working on me in some new ways. I'm not sure what He wants me to do exactly but I feel that He is asking me to share more of my past and who I am.
Additionally, I may just post on some fun stuff too. So, that is my randomness for the day. Happy Sunday, all! :-)
I have been a Christian most of my life and feel strongly that the Lord directs my life. Lately, He has really been working on me in some new ways. I'm not sure what He wants me to do exactly but I feel that He is asking me to share more of my past and who I am.
Additionally, I may just post on some fun stuff too. So, that is my randomness for the day. Happy Sunday, all! :-)
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Ode to Amazon
I have decided that Amazon is a busy mom's best friend. I always used the site to purchase books, movies and the occasional gift but I have discovered a whole new appreciation for Amazon since A was born. You can buy virtually everything there! I got sucked in when I signed up for Amazon Mom, a nifty little free program which lets you try Amazon Prime for free for a set amount of time (a month, maybe?) but will add on additional time with qualifying purchases. Basically, I utilized the service plenty while I was mega pregnant and right after A was born and we ended up with a whole year for free*! (*Yes, I realize that my "freebie" was the result of me buying lots of things so it wasn't exactly free. Still, these were things I would have bought anyway.) Amazon Prime members get some pretty sweet benefits, the most important of which is free 2-day shipping on any Prime-eligible products (there are thousands) without any minimum purchase. We also have access to free movies and tv, the Kindle lending library and I can add several other friends on for them to be able to buy items with free 2-day shipping too. The catch is that this service costs $79 a year but we no longer subscribe to Netflix (approximately $96 a year), I buy fewer books and I am able to make fewer stops when running errands. The bonus is that I have also discovered that many of our household products are actually cheaper on Amazon than at my local stores.
I have had several people ask what I buy there and the extensive list, frankly, is a bit embarrassing. Here are some things that I have bought in the last 90 days: gifts (DVDs, a blanket, toys), canned dog food, organic applesauce, hair product, hemp diaper doublers, essential oils, air purifier filters, books and dog treats. How is that for a hodgepodge? And all of these things showed up on my doorstep approximately 48 hours after ordering them, which is just awesome! I will admit that I feel bad about taking business away from my local economy because I truly see the value in shopping locally. But the hassle of dragging a fussy toddler to four stores to find what I need for $2 more (plus the gas from driving around) makes me choose Amazon for this era of my life. Also, many of the items I buy on there arent available to me locally (like the canned dog food we like or the diaper doublers.) I assure myself that I will go back to buying many things locally in a few years and I hope to hold myself to doing just that.
Do you shop online? If so, have you found it to be as handy as I have? What do you like to buy from Amazon?
I have had several people ask what I buy there and the extensive list, frankly, is a bit embarrassing. Here are some things that I have bought in the last 90 days: gifts (DVDs, a blanket, toys), canned dog food, organic applesauce, hair product, hemp diaper doublers, essential oils, air purifier filters, books and dog treats. How is that for a hodgepodge? And all of these things showed up on my doorstep approximately 48 hours after ordering them, which is just awesome! I will admit that I feel bad about taking business away from my local economy because I truly see the value in shopping locally. But the hassle of dragging a fussy toddler to four stores to find what I need for $2 more (plus the gas from driving around) makes me choose Amazon for this era of my life. Also, many of the items I buy on there arent available to me locally (like the canned dog food we like or the diaper doublers.) I assure myself that I will go back to buying many things locally in a few years and I hope to hold myself to doing just that.
Do you shop online? If so, have you found it to be as handy as I have? What do you like to buy from Amazon?
Friday, October 26, 2012
Stainless Steel Cookware Love & Tips
I love to cook and bake and I enjoy having nice kitchenware. I used T-fal for years because of how convenient it was for clean-up as it virtually cleans itself. It is the cookware my parents have always used so I guess it was just what was comfortable for me. Then, I started hearing rumors of it not being safe a few years back. Basically, the speculation is that anything treated with the Teflon coating can be dangerous as Teflon is a carcinogen. Great, huh? After researching the claims a bit more, I discovered that DuPont, the company who developed Teflon has even admitted the potential for danger. According to them, Teflon cookware should be discarded once it is scratched, scuffed or damaged as it becomes dangerous at that time. They say that it is safe so long as it is intact and not heated empty (apparently this also releases toxins).
Well, suffice it to say, I really wanted to rid my home of this chemical. In general, I didn't view it as a necessary risk since many people love their stainless steel cookware. And I no longer felt safe using it. So, we saved and I eventually replaced all of my T-fal with Cuisinart stainless steel cookware. We have had the stainless cookware for about a year and I have been pleasantly surprised by just how much I love it. It heats quickly, cooks evenly and is much easier to clean than I ever expected. A little Bar Keepers Friend and scrubbing takes most foods out very easily. Really the only food that frustrates me is pancakes. It isn't so much the pancakes themselves but rather, the oil I use to cook them in. It tends to burn on the edges a bit and is very difficult to clean out. Bar Keepers Friend helps with the issue, but it usually requires lots of scrubbing and multiple rounds. Yuck. Who has time for that? Anyway, enter baking soda!! Just sprinkle a bit on the burnt oil spots and let it sit overnight or for several hours. Don't scrub or do anything, just sprinkle a healthy amount over the burnt spot. After it has set overnight, scrub it and most of your burnt food/oil will come right off. Sometimes, this removes everything but I will frequently need to scrub a little with the baking soda to remove the last few bits. This is such a handy and cheap discovery. See below for before and after pics:
Before
During
After
And really folks, this is minimal to no scrubbing, just putting the baking soda on the grease spots. I love my shiny cookware :-)
Well, suffice it to say, I really wanted to rid my home of this chemical. In general, I didn't view it as a necessary risk since many people love their stainless steel cookware. And I no longer felt safe using it. So, we saved and I eventually replaced all of my T-fal with Cuisinart stainless steel cookware. We have had the stainless cookware for about a year and I have been pleasantly surprised by just how much I love it. It heats quickly, cooks evenly and is much easier to clean than I ever expected. A little Bar Keepers Friend and scrubbing takes most foods out very easily. Really the only food that frustrates me is pancakes. It isn't so much the pancakes themselves but rather, the oil I use to cook them in. It tends to burn on the edges a bit and is very difficult to clean out. Bar Keepers Friend helps with the issue, but it usually requires lots of scrubbing and multiple rounds. Yuck. Who has time for that? Anyway, enter baking soda!! Just sprinkle a bit on the burnt oil spots and let it sit overnight or for several hours. Don't scrub or do anything, just sprinkle a healthy amount over the burnt spot. After it has set overnight, scrub it and most of your burnt food/oil will come right off. Sometimes, this removes everything but I will frequently need to scrub a little with the baking soda to remove the last few bits. This is such a handy and cheap discovery. See below for before and after pics:
Before
During
After
And really folks, this is minimal to no scrubbing, just putting the baking soda on the grease spots. I love my shiny cookware :-)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The Negative Post
Some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield, right? Man oh man, can I relate to being the bug lately. I am baffled at how I am so busy. Really, a year ago at this time, I was working full-time, doing bookkeeping part-time and caring for a newborn. I see why I was a mess then, but why now? How on earth am I feeling so overwhelmed and how am I not ahead yet? Exactly when will I get it together?
I have a sneaking suspicion that my expectations just aren't realistic. And the older I get, the more I am reminded that expectations are the root of all disappointments in life. Think about it, if you expect little or nothing, you will never be disappointed! Expecting little or nothing from life is the challenge, though. And I'm not saying to lower expectations where it counts, folks. I'm just saying that the world will not come to a halt if I leave dishes in the sink when I go to work, don't mop for a week, etc. I have been striving to expect less, especially since becoming a mother. I have all but given up on expecting to arrive on time to any event, with everything we need - it just isn't likely to happen. Something will be forgotten, we'll be late or some other bizarre kid-tastrophy will occur (ie, the soaking wet socks and lost shoe I discovered last week after hurrying to an appointment). *sigh* Lesson learned: I must leave my child's feet naked while traveling as he hates wearing socks and is mesmerized by playing with his shoes. I'm still feeling guilty over a conversation with a fellow mommy a couple weeks ago as she lamented about mopping her floors daily. I nodded in agreement, while quietly beating myself up. I mop every week or two...bad mommy I am. Oh well, my kid will have better immunity for playing amongst all that dirt, right? This is what I tell myself anyway.
And while on the subject of expectations, can all agree that Pinterest sucks? It WILL be the final nail in our sanities' coffins, I am convinced. Really, who has time for all this Martha Stewart-esque perfection? Not I, my friends, not I. I think it is fun to peruse here and there and get an idea or two. But beyond that, no thanks. So to anyone thinking I have it all together, let me assure you I do not. Still, I have my loving family and we snuggle, play and laugh each day. These things are what matters, right? I think so. Here's to hoping we can all be the windshields next week.
I have a sneaking suspicion that my expectations just aren't realistic. And the older I get, the more I am reminded that expectations are the root of all disappointments in life. Think about it, if you expect little or nothing, you will never be disappointed! Expecting little or nothing from life is the challenge, though. And I'm not saying to lower expectations where it counts, folks. I'm just saying that the world will not come to a halt if I leave dishes in the sink when I go to work, don't mop for a week, etc. I have been striving to expect less, especially since becoming a mother. I have all but given up on expecting to arrive on time to any event, with everything we need - it just isn't likely to happen. Something will be forgotten, we'll be late or some other bizarre kid-tastrophy will occur (ie, the soaking wet socks and lost shoe I discovered last week after hurrying to an appointment). *sigh* Lesson learned: I must leave my child's feet naked while traveling as he hates wearing socks and is mesmerized by playing with his shoes. I'm still feeling guilty over a conversation with a fellow mommy a couple weeks ago as she lamented about mopping her floors daily. I nodded in agreement, while quietly beating myself up. I mop every week or two...bad mommy I am. Oh well, my kid will have better immunity for playing amongst all that dirt, right? This is what I tell myself anyway.
And while on the subject of expectations, can all agree that Pinterest sucks? It WILL be the final nail in our sanities' coffins, I am convinced. Really, who has time for all this Martha Stewart-esque perfection? Not I, my friends, not I. I think it is fun to peruse here and there and get an idea or two. But beyond that, no thanks. So to anyone thinking I have it all together, let me assure you I do not. Still, I have my loving family and we snuggle, play and laugh each day. These things are what matters, right? I think so. Here's to hoping we can all be the windshields next week.
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